How to be an aristocrat on £3 a day

Photo: Tim Sullivan

Many people believe that one must be wealthy to be an aristocrat. This is true, but what most people don’t realise is that personal wealth has more to do with class than it does with holdings, thereby one may be wealthy personally while being overdrawn at Barclays. How, you ask? I shall explain forthwith.

The first step to becoming an aristocrat is mood. We aristocrats are always in a good mood for, when you’re an aristocrat, you have everything you want out of life already – you were born with it! So the first rule to being an aristocrat is to avoid trying to get things from people. That means no “networking” or “multi-level marketing,” in fact that means no marketing whatsoever, least of all yourself, for a true aristocrat needs no introduction.

Being of such a cheerful demeanour, aristocrats have no trouble making friends, in fact we get along with everybody from bankers to refrigerator repairpeople. We have something in common with everybody and always have something pleasant to say to everyone…except other aristocrats! Now here are some tips you should consider.

If you have a dog there is an aristocratic and a non-aristocratic way to walk it. The aristocratic way of walking your dog is actually easier than what you are used to.

I know that everyone, including Barack Obama, picks up their dog’s droppings when out for a walk and I am not questioning that practice; I am just telling you how to aristocise it. You will have to get a friend to help you, but it is well worth it for the effect it gives. Have your friend follow you from a safe distance while you are walking your dog along the canal and immediately after your dog does his business your friend will leap out from the shadows with gloved hands and scoop up the object in question before disappearing again. Much like a ball-boy at a tennis match.

Now that you are familiar with the figure of the valet, you can begin to use it as a medium. Every aristocrat has a valet or footman or butler. The name is of no consequence, but what is important is that you have someone to follow you around who knows you better than you know yourself. This is very aristocratic! A true aristocrat doesn’t have to explain their likes and dislikes to strangers, they have people to do that for them.

In the 1931 film Le Million by René Clair, a pair of underfunded artists take turns pretending to be the maid in order to impress visitors. A maid is slightly impressive, but why not go that extra mile and hire yourself a butler?

Lesson on how to use your imaginary butler next month.