One last thing… Professor Green

This article titled “One last thing… Professor Green” was written by Rich Pelley, for The Guardian on Friday 16th July 2010 23.05 UTC

Hello, Professor. When God was handing out rap aliases, were you accidentally in the queue for Cluedo characters?

I was. But he was confused. Instead of Professor Plum, he called me Professor Green.

If you were about to murder someone (1) would you opt for something traditional like the dagger or would you go for a more dastardly option like sharks with lasers on their heads?

Definitely a pool of sharks. I’ve seen a lot of James Bond films. I’d take inspiration.

So, what are you a professor in exactly, Professor? Archaeology? Astrophysics?

I know a lot about alcohol. I can make a bottle of vodka disappear pretty quick.

Where did you study? Oxford? Cambridge? Harvard?

In the beer garden.

Has Michael Hutchence phoned up to ask for his sample back (2)?

He hasn’t but Andy Farriss (3) says he really likes it.

That girl isn’t very nice to you in the video. You should dump her.

She’s not actually my girlfriend. She was nice to me on set.

You’ve got the word ‘lucky’ tattooed in big letters on your neck. Have you got a lucky neck?

I’ve got a very lucky neck. Two weeks after the tattoo, I got stabbed in my neck. There are a lot of complicated mechanics in the neck which being a professor I understand. It missed my carotid artery (4) by millimetres. Any higher and the whole left side of my face would have fallen off.

So you’re a professor in medicine. You should have said!

Well, I didn’t want to brag.

Will you be leaving your body to medical science?

So they can put me on display? Why not!

You’re much taller (5) than you look on telly. Do you help old ladies reach the top shelves at Sainsbury’s?

I do. Do you know what really pisses me off? When you’re on the train, it’s the suits who’ve been brought up with a fucking silver spoon in their mouth who sit there. As soon as they see someone more deserving of their seat, they just open their paper. I get well riled up about that. I was brought up properly.

Your single is Just Good To Be Green.

Just Be Good To Green (6).

Kermit The Frog would beg to differ (7). Has he phoned to discuss?

No. But he’s right. It’s not easy being green. I feel for the poor guy.

So, how green are you, Professor? Do you wash out your yoghurt pots?

I do.

Do you clean out the Marmite jar?

That goes in the bin. I recycle my champagne bottles.

How come when Mike Skinner (8) raps he sounds like Mike Skinner but you sound like a character from Top Cat?

He doesn’t sound like Mike Skinner. He sounds cockney. He’s from Birmingham.

Lily Allen collaborates on your new single. Have you tried to, erm, you know?

I haven’t. She’s more like a sister. I fucking love her to bits but the relationship is completely platonic. It’s quite nice having a relationship like that.

Thanks, Professor. Has Michael Cera from Superbad phoned up to ask for his face back?

He hasn’t. He did ask me to be a stunt double. But I politely told him to fuck right off!

Just Be Good To Green is out now. Alive Till I’m Dead is out Mon

1 Dr Black kicks the bucket in Cluedo

2 I Need You Tonight samples INXS

3 INXS keyboarder and songwriter

4 Supplies the head with oxygenated blood

5 6’5"

6 Samples Beats International

7 It’s Not Easy Being Green

8 Green was once signed to Skinner’s label The Beats

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010

Published via the Guardian News Feed plugin for WordPress.